As weeks pass by of staying in/not working/living/homeschooling at home, I am a boiling pot of mixed emotions: sadness, anxiety, anger, frustration, tired, helpless, giddy, excited, happy, delusional, grateful and the list goes on. I feel sad and helpless seeing so many lives lost to this deadly virus. I feel the frustration creep in as I unable to actively mobilize to help and am instead consumed by the need to create a new normal, a new routine to build a secure world for my son. I am tired of the caution of strangers who are reluctant to say hello to one another even with a mask on. It’s exhausting to avoid each other like the plague. I am angry that I cannot hug my parents or my aunt in appreciation when they drop off delicious goodies. Stupid risk of exposure! The social distancing from family and friends and the uncertainty of the current situation weighs on me, leaving my soul depleted.
As an unintentional social butterfly, it is incredibly difficult to allow this feeling to grow. It feels like I’m being weighed down with sand bags to the bottom of the ocean unable to come up for air even though I can see the surface above me. I need the feeling of freely flitting from one social gathering to another. Each gathering gives me joy in connecting with the other person and the healing sensation of touch flourishes as I sit shoulder to shoulder with my cousins on a couch catching up, while we yell across the room to our spouses, kids run amok screaming and dogs squeeze in and out from between us vying for a cushy spot next to the Moms. I relish meeting up with my son’s friend’s parents on weekends at lacrosse, tae kwon do or tee ball and we get to gab while cheering on our kids athletic achievements. I savor the laughter and exhilaration when I hang with my besties and the current era falls to the wayside and we regal in stories of “remember when.” My neurons get all excited when I band together with my Mom friends to commiserate over the fights we have with our spouses or the way the school curriculum could be improved or just snacking on a charcuterie plate enjoying the adult conversation about how we used to wear our hair in the 90s (don’t judge) without a child constantly interrupting with the word “Mom.” (They only call for Dad when Mom says “go ask your Father.”).
The texts, Zoom calls, IG and FB updates work really hard to substitute real life interaction, but it simply not the same. Texts come the closest to normal, right? There isn’t a change in the way we chat with one another. Even the slightly mundane is very entertaining. Last Friday night, as I stood in my kitchen heating up a frozen pizza and sauteing iceberg lettuce, I was deeply missing a friend and texted her. We texted for hours all about foods that we were missing and could hardly wait to have. It was such a comforting conversation and I am eager to hold that friend in my arms and embrace her when times return to before.
The Zoom calls crack me up. It’s like rounding up a pack of puppies. Does everyone have the link? Is there a password? How come Joe Schmo still isn’t on? Someone call him. There are only 25 minutes left in the free version. Let me move the screen so the audience has the illusion that this clean wall behind me is representative of my whole house and life. They can’t see that my house looks like a tornado blew through it even though I just vacuumed and cleaned this morning. It warms my heart to see my overseas family’s faces, to celebrate birthdays with friends or stay in touch with colleagues whom I adore and are used to getting a 3pm snack with. Although, it is not the same as face-to-face, I will still take it. I can feel my soul filling up already.
I see IG and FB are hot spots to get the dish on my friends. Many of my friends, like me, are updating posts more frequently as we enjoy sharing our lives as well as the lives of our friends. I want to know what they’ve been baking, cooking, how they are keeping the kids occupied, playing with their pets, photographing and making memories of their crazy life right now. It feels good to know that others feel similarly and are trying to get through right now too. It hurts my heart to read how many affectionate couples are so over each other right now, that the divorce rate might actually increase after covid is over. It’s lovely to bond over how many of my Mom friends really really really just want to run away from home…only for a day or so and with a case of wine, maybe an even stronger adult beverage. And the number of friends ready to run back to the salons when they open…well, they’re have to elbow past me because I’ll be first in line.
I am happy to have my husband and child with me at home and I no longer have to squeeze in a few more minutes of quality time to enjoy being with them. I feel grateful to have gained time with them. We eat cook most meals together. We are like a wave of movement — floating over to the toaster, rising above the stove, mastering the oven, and piling the dishes in the sink. We figured out that during our family meals the show T.O.T. S. is always on at that time. So I’m pretty sure we have all seen the same episodes over and over again. The songs really are quite catchy. We go for morning walks together. The dog loves getting outside and loves to play “Race Driveway” with Hunter. When my husband joins “Race Driveway”, it warms me and makes my son so happy. Hunter runs his little heart out from property edge to just before an active driveway. I have also invented “Jump The Box” where he must jump the full length of a sideway box. Another big hit. Keeps the walk from being boring. This is his aerobic exercise for the day. My son and my dog come home a little tired, but feeling happy to get outside and spend time together. My soul just filled up some more.
My favorite part of the day, and it fills my soul every single night, is our 8pm Family Time. After bath time and negotiations on brushing the teeth, we have a Taylor Swift dance party then play Uno on our bed. As working parents, it is tough to carve out quality time with your child. Some parents use bath time for quality time. Others use sports. For us, it’s Uno and Taylor Swift. That is definitely the best time of day, where my day’s worries pause and I focus all my attention on my family. My soul is nearly refilled. Just waiting for the day I can be with my family and friends and refill my soul to the tippy top.
