During furlough, I kept busy. I stepped up as a mom (as opposed to my normal distracted, tired, working mom self) and actively sought educational and fun activities for us. I created different games to play and worked on letters/words/math/thinking skills/reading comprehension worksheets. We read books and watched TV together. I made sure we had some physical activity and time with nature. On sunny days, we walked our dog, Dylan, around the neighborhood and played “Race Driveway,” where I would count how long it took Hunter to run from 1 driveway to the next. Sometimes he would race Dylan. To keep Hunter active, I would have him long jump over the sidewalk blocks or chase my shadow. It was like outdoor cross-fit for kids and he loved it. Whenever it rained, we did some Cosmic Kids Yoga or 8-minute Tabata or built obstacle courses in our family room. We followed a routine which was a good balance of learning, playing, creativity, health and rest. Hunter and I would nap snuggled up together for 2 hours in the afternoons. It was glorious.
Since I wasn’t bringing home money, I chose to contribute by doing most of the housework. Laundry, swiffer, vacuuming, washing dishes, picking up dog poop from the outdoor run, and mopping became part of my normal workload. (Ok, maybe not the mopping, but I did it sometimes, I swear!) Cleaning bathrooms became a more frequent chore, especially since I finally noticed that my son was not always peeing IN the toilet. Um hello? To all the fellas out there, what is that about? You have this protruding appendage that can be aimed during the urination process, but noooo you’re going to stand there and let it just stick to your testicles from your sweat and pee. In that process it gets everywhere and stains and now I need to google a DIY removal method because it actually doesn’t come out with just any cleaner. Ok, enough about little boys peeing and moms that have to yell, “Please make sure to aim your penis toward the inside of the toilet!” I also cooked nearly every meal putting my heart and soul into most of them. I made lots of rice and created different combinations of toppings that I hoped my dear husband would enjoy. Sometimes, if he was too swamped on calls to come down for lunch, I would make him a plate and bring it to his office. I know this doesn’t like much, but I never do this. Most nights after work for dinner, we each fend for ourselves. Of course some days, it was open a can or unwrap a package of cheese and crackers, but hey at least the family was fed, right? I kept the dishes washed regularly, instead of being piled for days. Gold star for me!
I had some time to actually self-care. I dropped a little bit of weight, my muscles felt relaxed, the dark circles under my eyes disappeared, and my skin cleared up. I also dyed my own hair blue to cover up the grays. I successfully cleaned out closets, folded and put away MONTHS of laundry. Don’t judge, you do it too. I fold the family’s laundry and really only have the bandwidth to put away the kid’s clothes because they are small and take a few minutes to put away in 2 drawers versus the entire closet of all black clothes that I have to now remember if the left stack of folded black clothes are t-shirts or tank tops in order to put the my own piles away. Turns out the pile I am putting away is a stack of black lounge pants. So I end up leaving all this overflowing pile folded laundry in 1-growing-into-2-into-3-into-4 baskets in my corner which irks me. However, it is finally gone. Woohoo! I finally set up our home office (bookcase, loveseat and desk) for my husband to use for work after 2 years of living in this house. I set up a makeshift workspace for myself in the guest room with folding table and fake pretty plant. And all is well in the world.
I even chose to use this time to earn certificates in basic HTML and CSS with Coursera and the University of Michigan. I am so glad I did that. I was so intimidated at first by coding, but now I can look code in the eye and say, “I got you. You don’t scare me (much).” I created this blog just for fun, to release my thoughts out into the universe and to try my hand at writing. With my son, we created a series of paper doll templates with the purpose of being little or no cost, inclusive, and a way for other parent friends to keep their kids busy for 20 minutes. I also practiced my photography and social media skills, using my son as my muse/model. It was a really fun month!
Last week, I was rehired by my company and I began to work remotely. Oh boy.
To all my mommy and daddy friends out there who have been working from home, parenting and attempting to keep education in the mix, I have only 1 question for you: HOW THE FUDGE ARE YOU DOING THIS?? First of all, kudos for the attempt to doing it all. You are incredible, strong and amazing. Your perseverance is admirable and you are an awesome parent. Second of all, are you freakin’ nuts?? I’ve been chatting with you during this month, why in the world are you trying to do more than you need to? I am friends with a bunch of overachievers for sure. You’ve made time for yoga, baking bread from scratch, taking the kids out for bike rides, delivering home cooked meals to family members, sewing masks, keeping the kids on virtual extracurricular activities and the list goes on and on. If I have learned anything in the past week is that lowering standards and expectations for self-preservation is the key to survival.
Two days in, we were derailed from our routine and set schedule. We had to readjust. Three days in and I lost my temper 25 times, felt guilty 9,000 times, incorporated 6 hours of ipad/TV time into Hunter’s daily routine, and had 5 arguments about someone needing to wear pants. I was definitely ready for a tall glass of rum punch by 9:45am every morning. Four days in and I regained any weight that I had lost. My dark circles were back and my shoulders and back were carrying the same stress before Covid and now stiff again. Hunter’s temper tantrums were unreal. “Daddy didn’t print the pages I wanted! Mom you promised you were finished with work! I want more youtube video time! It’s not fair! Why do I have to do what you say? Daddy why you have to work late, but your people don’t? You don’t keep your promises! Can I do ANYTHING I want? You’re not the boss of my body, I am the boss of my body!” Since my husband and I had meetings nearly all day long, we locked our family on the second level behind a baby gate at the stairs. He would ping pong between us, meetings and activities - either ones I created like “Road Architecture and Our Paper Town” or “Snowballs & Hoops” - or anything he found to do that did not require his parents. I tried to get him to work on his worksheets. His attention span in this type of environment topped out at 1-2 workbook pages per day…or sometimes every other day. For most of the work day, he was left to his own devices. Ipad, TV, brain flakes, legos, tons of coloring pages, jumping on the beds, running from one room to the other and again and again. He would grab a snack from the stash and consume until he was ready for his new freedom-based lifestyle to reengage. It was like 5-year old version of Lord of the Flies. We were the parents who weren’t sure where he was at any given time. (Although we knew he was definitely on the 2nd floor with us. Yup, great parenting skill there). Five days in and I had a huge fight with the hubby (don’t worry, we kissed and made up). Six days in and I realized that something needed to change. If we kept on going like this, we would be lousy parents, spouses and flailing family. Even our dog, Dylan, was sad and mad at no more walks and him being ignored.
I decided to lower my expectations. It sounds like a cop out, but in reality it’s a survival technique. I expect my life to be something it cannot right now. Everyone - parent, child, spouse - wants everything to be the old normal, but it simply cannot be. So I reprioritized and adjusted. My new mission: keep the kid alive and mostly happy. It was the same mission as when Hunter was a newborn and we didn’t know diddly squat about caring for a baby. So now, it’s come back again. We make the most out of the time that we spend not working. We engage in a family activity or play sports and games together. We make time to bake some cookies or popovers as a family. We relax on the patio listening to jazz or k-pop, then kick the soccer ball around. We have a blast playing Chutes and Ladders in bed. Football has made its way into our family routine. There are Brain Flakes football teams all over the house. We read, play Uno and have Taylor Swift dance parties every night. When Hunter wants to sleep with us in the middle of the night, we let him because we know how much he needs his Mommy and Daddy’s comfort right now. It’s ok, baby, snuggle into Mommy’s nook. I’ll protect you. We can always sleep train again some other time. And you know what? He’s ok. He’s alive and happy. It’s ok that I am Lord of the Flies parenting right now.
